Evane's Journal Alistair dream

Alistair had sat in his room practicing his swordplay and planning escape routes until at last midnight was upon him. 'Time to get going.'

He snuck out of the fortress taking more care to stay in the shadows and out of view. Soon he was out of Weisshaupt and headed into the forest.

He didn't wonder that far before he heard a thickly accented voice calling him from a tree.  "I'm glad you came Warden. I was worried you would be too cautious and I would have to go get you."

"Maker, why did it have to be you?"

"Not happy to see me?" He flipped off the tree, lading directly in front of Alistair. Turning away he stared to pace. Unusual for the Antivan.

"Why wouldn't I Zev? It's not like you're a huge showoff or anything." 'Great that sucked. Now he'll know something's wrong.' Zevran stopped, turned, and stared at Alistair, not his usual creepy stare either. It was one that told Alistair more about the ex-Crow then he had ever wanted to know. And just like that it was gone.

"So I assume you didn't come here to meet with an old friend. You want information, no?" The usual cool, calm, collected sound of his voice was starting to fade. And the Templar could finally tell that it was all an act.

"Yes." Alistair still couldn't shake the feeling Zevran was giving off.

"Well I will tell you on one condition."

"I knew this wasn't going to be that easy."

"It's actually quite simple warden. I just want you to answer one question truthfully."

"That's all. No assassination plots, no information about the First Warden… Just an answer?"

"A truthful one but yes that's all. Do you agree?" The former Crow extended a long graceful hand out towards Alistair.

"Agreed."  He grasped Zev's hand and gave one firm shake.

"Very well Warden. You Grey Wardens have the Taint within you." Before Alistair could ask where he got his information. Zevran held up a hand. "No questions till the end. The Taint slowly gets stronger and will eventually cause you to become a ghoul. Most Wardens go the Deep Roads and die fighting rather than waiting to become mindless. A sign that the Taint is taking over is when a warden starts to get the Dreams. Do you know why some wardens live longer than others?"

"I figure it has to do with which Darkspawn blood they drank. How powerful it was and all that."

"That's only a half truth.  It has to do with they're will to fight off the Taint. And you, my dear Warden, had none. After…" Zevran stopped and his eyes filling with emotion once more. He cleared his throat and caged them,continuing in a clinical tone. "After Evane killed the Archdemon you lost your will to fight for life and that included your ability to fight off the Taint."

"That still doesn't explain why the Dreams have left. Do you know that?"

"Oh ye of little faith. Of course I know. When you came to Weisshaupt you got into the same routine of being a warden and part of that routine, however unconscious that part may be, was fighting off the Taint."

"Then if I leave they'll come back?"

"That I do not know. Now you must answer my questions truthfully."

"You said one question."

"And now I'm saying two." Zevran flashed a smug smile.

"Then you must answer a question for me."

As predicted, Zevran ignored him. "My first question is as follows: If Evane had brought you with her to face the Archdemon instead of me would you have killed it yourself and not let her die?"

"Of course I would have. I couldn't of let her die while I could save her. But she left me back and…" Alistair took a shaky breath. "What was your second question, Zevran?"

"Knowing what I know and what you know about The Warden, (How she always helped and cared to often and how much she was in love with you.) What would of happened to her if you had died instead of her?"

"She…"

"Think carefully before you answer, Theirin. We all know what you told her when she made you king."

"I didn't want to be king!"

"And you're not. Even after all she went through."

"Back to your question. I figure she would have been just fine. She would probably have been promoted to the Commander of the Grey of Ferelden or some equally high ranking government position." He could already feel his eyes getting wet just thinking about what Evane might have done. But he would not give the Assassin the opening he needed. He wouldn't let anyone know how he felt, not ever again. He hardened his voice. "She would have been just fine. She's stronger than I am."

"Oh Alistair." Zevran's eyes were filled with pity now. "You did not see her after your talk, did not see how carelessly she fought. She cared not if she lived or died. She was slashed and hacked and burned by every Darkspawn, every Shade, every Drake. She reflected how heartbroken she was when you told her you no longer loved her."

"I never said…" Alistair's voice rose and cracked and he took a calming breath to regain control of his vocal cords. "I never said I didn't love her."

"You might as well of. She was crushed that you didn't care about her. So crushed that she didn't care about anything anymore. She didn't care if she stopped the Blight if she ever found her clan again or anything. After you finished your talk she spoke to no one. She left and you didn't even know or care." Alistair had never heard this much, non-sexual emotion from his once traveling companion. "I had to see her hurting. I had to see it all because you refused to. I had to try to comfort her and do you know what that got me? This." Zevran lifted his sleeve to reveal a scar stretching from his shoulder to his wrist. Expertly done it healed in a matter of a night but still left a scar. "She was afraid of me... ME! Her closest friend because I was a man and I might hurt her as you did." Zevran through a dagger at the tree two inches from Alistair's head. "I warned her you know. I told her Shemlin relationships only go skin deep. I warned her that you would only break her heart, that you would care more about being an acceptable king. And you aren't even king! You never even gave a single thought about how she would feel when you left. You just let her hurt alone!"

"Calm d-"

"She thought it was because she was an elf!" Alistair was speechless. "She thought you really loved her just as much as she loved you and then you used her and threw her away! She was a treasure. She was one to be loved, not one to be used. I know what it's like to be treated like dirt your whole life because of a point in the ears. She did not. She did not remember the horrors the Shems had caused us. She taught me that word. Shemlin. She told me they had murdered her parents. She hated them. Until you... Until you tricked her into thinking you cared. She was ready to forgive. She was ready to forget. She was... She was strong and kind and loving and you BROKE her."

"Zevran, I don't know what you want me to say."

"Honestly Alistair nothing. Anything you say would be insufficient."

"What do you want me to do?"

Zevran walked up to him, looking him in the eyes. "I want you to suffer. I want you to die alone in a rotting hole. I want you to know that it is your fault she's dead. I want this to eat you up inside. I want you to know she never loved you. But..." His cool demeanor had once again solidified his cracking voice. "But that is not what she would have wanted. She loved you. She loved... you. She loved only you." He turned away allowing the shadows to engulf his face. When he spoke, he spoke with pure hate radiating within his voice "Good-Bye Alistair Theirin. You will not see me again. But I will see your bones." He walked through the ever darkening shadows.

"What about my question?"

Zevran paused half gone. "Ask."

"Did you love Evane?"

He kept walking disappearing when a cloud passed over the moon momentarily. His reply was barely a whisper but still Alistair heard it clear as a bell. "I still do."